seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- agiter doucement avant de boire Agiter doucement avant de boire two days after christmas and my feet are always so cold... tallahassee has suddenly become freezing! i love it but then when i imagine driving on roads up north and skidding into a ditch because of the ice on the road, my excitement about cold weather diminishes a tad... rented the Venus Beauty Institute and Yi Yi at Video 21...so far, the first flick was a little disappointing...i guess i was just experiencing the after effect of seeing Amelie...wanting to consume every French film within my reach...but these are kicks of delight...they take your mind off of transcripts and credit card debt...personality disorders and the absence of someone's arms around you late at night...not wanting to hear 'i love you', just wanting fleeting kisses my sister preordered the Ghost World DVD for me for christmas so i have that to look forward to in Februar...i found an old box of mixtapes at the top of my closet this morning...dusty fingers and dried petals from the box kim made me one year...it was delightful but the music was outdated in my mind...i want to throw away things so badly but i can't...a part of me just can't bear the thought of regret...wanting something back..feeling like i've lost pieces of myself...must be because of the military brat lifestyle...i can't analyze anymore...i just finger the phone and think about the emptiness in a phonecall...i hate the echoed voices...people sound right next to you and you can't touch or see....so i write letters....and half of them get thrown away i miss me sometimes and sometimes i'm not thinking about how sad i am...i just force myself to get up and feed the fish and check to see if their water is warm enough...i count sara's fish to make sure they have all survived...my fish is lonely...alone...i watch them all...swimming listlessly around their little tanks...nowhere to go, nothing to do...the life of a fish...breathing gently...their bodies are so tiny and so complex i pull on my slippers...pat down my hair so that it doesn't stick up....put on a bra...pad to the bathroom and splash my face i rarely look in the mirror....i rarely think about jobs and driving and diets and significant others...i don't have normal thoughts about normal things...i think about the little sounds like the eggshells when i crack them, the tapping of the thermometer on the glass...the bass of a car driving by....i'm checking to see what's regular...what's unchanged its the only way to see if i've grown as a person 3:16 p.m. - 2001-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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