seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dear kira dear kira, my stomach is grumbling and i'm so hungry and i want to eat peanut butter and jelly with you and forget that everyone is watching. i wrote you a long letter today because i write all the same things over and over again into different letters that never get sent because you are my journal sometimes except you write back and have feelings and words too. i want to be a certified genius and write a long thesis on something really great and have it published and then become a famous writer who can teach at any university she wants but chooses a really small school where the students are like her whens she was an undergrad and then she doesn't have to deal with all the bureaucracy and academic politics and sitting down to dinner with the dean who may or may not hire you depending on where you got your MFA at and whether you like red wine. i can't deal with adults--i just can't. i always say the wrong things and come off sounding weak and unsure of myself. i just want to write for the rest of my life--write in my sleep--and not worry about whether its good or bad, accepted or rejected. they never told me it would be like this when i was seven, reading the baby-sitters club and ann m. martin. they never told me i would have to be in honors to get a good job and extremely well-read in the classics, including voltaire and philosophy, to get along with my colleagues. and that i would have to define a novel and understand iambic pentameter and be outgoing and somewhat cynical to impress my instructors. i hate it hate it hate it. i want to be a professor of cat naps and long, drawn-out sunrises. i know how much sugar to make lemonade perfect, so what if i don't know the quadratic formula? i like saying simple, abstract things and telling really innane knock-knock jokes. and i like watching buffy the vampire slayer even though i thought i never would because i was supposed to be intelligent. i thought that only teenage guys liked that show and that it wasn't very feminist but after watching it, i realized that sarah michelle gellar can really kick butt and that i want to be a vampire slayer so that i don't have to exist here and now as a girl with little to no hope of going anywhere with her life because she is afraid of everything. 14:13 - 30 September, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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