seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- anais nin that was the quote that popped out at me when i was twelve and recieved my free Personal Products gift package in the mail. I had just completed sex ed. and the idea of getting anything free in the mail, even if it were pads and tampons, was exhilirating. The package came with a little bag that had velcro seals and was the color of a doctor's scrubs. But all over it were tiny little quotes etched at wierd angles and in odd spaces. Those words made so much sense to me....more than diagrams of sexual intercourse and the male anatomy did. they've stuck with me ever since... now i'm sitting here, supposedly on the brink of my life, the edge of my future, and my stomach is grumbling and my eyes feel like chalk drawings...you could just blow me away or use your feet to brush me over...i miss meeting friends during lunch and i miss having someone around...i feel like my friends are people i made up in my head...they do not really exist and that other people are watching me and know i am lonely...naked. and now i know i'm not capable of being really depressed like i was in high school...now i am too afraid i'll miss something if i don't stop to forgive or smile or wake up before eleven, even if i went to bed at 4 in the morning...and sometimes i'm afraid i won't know myself if i stop to hate myself...that i will become another person...faceless like looking at yourself in the mirror after a steamy shower...that if i don't give myself mental pep talks, i wouldn't understand myself anymore...i would cease to be me...just a product of hate... sometimes i don't understand where i am being led i just go...and i hope it is not another dead-end 11:45 a.m. - 2001-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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