seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when i wasn't in the closet. and when the phone carried your voice many miles over. wallflower: shy, lingering near the cement bricks painted a paltry brown, never to stray far, an invisible leash. this is the confidence i wore like sparkles in my hair. third grade. milk line. thirty-five cents. jelly shoes that pinched my toes. purple earrings shaped like high heels. somehow i am not that girl anymore. though i truly am. my aunt tried to convince me to perm my hair when i was eight, though it was obvious that my hair was already curly. but she insisted. i looked in the mirror trying to judge what curly really was. i realized that even if i perceived myself to be a certain way, it didn't much matter. because what i saw was invisible. promenade: linen tablecloths already soiled by lipstick, soda pop, nervous hands, five minutes into the party. music pounding away as a mass of people blend into one. and i sit. growing smaller as i feel the humidity of the room sizzle the ends of my hair, evaporating leave-in conditioner, hairspray. as i feel it beginning to curl and fill out, i grow limp, leaning on my elbows. imagining patterns and faces on the tabletop. wanting soft pajamas instead of itchy bra straps. i'm listening to rock music in my sister's bedroom. there is a crumpled piece of paper on the desk with a phone number scrawled across it. her sevens resemble ones. and my left sock is beginning to tear. must have snagged it, i think. and i feel like laughing over stupid things again, like i did in the past. but my friends are so far away. and i don't know any jokes; jokes i have not heard before. 16:33 - 28 August, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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