seethingblue's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

real women have curves

i only have twenty-four dollars of credit on my visa-- i spent a little cash on a small candle to burn in my room late at night because

i am terrified of complete darkness and silence and the candle

smells of huckleberry

and i am terrified of complete emptiness

in my bank account and in my life.

my mother reminds me of the mother in Real Women Have Curves

all she talks about is shame and disappointment-- her own mistakes and 'bad luck'

i am so sick of bad luck.

my sisters and i took an old, weathered photograph of her in her hanbok at twenty-four and had it blown-up and restored for mother's day.

i think she cried a little when she tore open the tissue paper and stared at her features long and hard.

i want to know this young girl with long, jet black hair, a serious but kind expression on her face, a pearl ring dangling from one finger

but she has evolved into someone else who is hard to get along with, who drinks beer once a month-- just until her face is a deep, cherry red, who threw away my favorite dolls in a fervor and cut down all of the bush beans i grew one summer because they were keeping the sunlight from her perilla leaves. who will not pet the cat. who sits on two cushions when she drives.

and i think she looks at herself and wonders what this girl was like too. all we can do is put her in the china cabinet with all our other misplaced but valuable belongings. and maybe, once in a while, she will be dusted and remembered.

13:01 - 14 May, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

edithelaine
glashaus
hapapowerr
newviolet
warmblankets
aware
jetlagdream
palebycmprsn
miss-megan
fuschia
crackedlips
ydandelions
femmeproject
s-g
sood
urine
orangina21
guitkoko
emotionalist
bendme
throwingjuly
anonperson
whatlight
lightfallsup
moonrattles
dgr
sythy
soillsich
defect
immolation
wednes-danny
hair-spray
pixie-never
a-i-p
sunkenships
pinkmusique
sokagitano
lilywithagun
starkitten01
incinerated
morestories
rhythmatic
igetit
katherinehand
puellarina
woken up
luminescent