seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- eating lunch alone i've learned to ignore the ants because eating alone is lonely and scary and the maintenance trucks drive by like spies, hairy forearms dangling from their windows but visors down and eyes undetected. sometimes the ants bite but if you sit real still, it doesn't hurt as much. i've learned to tolerate this pain as i eat my lunch quietly and feel self-conscious and think about how i lie every day to protect myself. it seems like i lie about everything--about how i feel, what i do, who i am. and i don't allow myself to smile or laugh in public. it is a characteristic i have conditioned myself to suppress. it has taken years to train myself to be as quiet as the walls, to never make eye contact, to tolerate the wait because you can learn a lot about life while waiting for something, you learn more than just patience--you learn how to be alone and to accept this. you learn to think about everything but to say less and less until you can write it all down. you unlearn articulation but learn to record your surroundings. you forget patterns of speech and language but are suceptible to nonverbal communication. you learn acceptance though you are unhappy. you are unhappy. 13:19 - 16 September, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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