seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- redneck zombies I am waiting for that just-right inspiration to bring me back into the fold. I don't write in my journal much these days because it is so easy to type. I feel guilty. My journal is shoved beneath my bed, farther than I can reach, behind a shoebox filled with mix tapes and headphones that will never work again. I often crouch down in an attempt to fish it out and then become absorbed in something else, like old National Geographics kicked under accidentally or a missing hair barette. Sometimes I imagine my cat Stella alive. I picture her as larger, 5 months old, lots of gray fur surrounding her small, squished face. I imagine this and then I want to cry. I've been reading this Kokology book and don't really agree with its assessment of me, or rather my assessment of myself, since I am the one who chooses which description best fits my own personal view of the scenario. I often make choices fully aware of my own symbolic intent, or what I am really getting at. The book is more directed towards those who think on the surface of things and really don't probe into why. In one scenario the book tells you to imagine an egg in front of you but only offers a snake egg, turtle egg, dinosaur egg, and chicken egg. I supposedly chose a chicken egg because I don't have any big dreams for my future children. I really chose it because the book didn't offer a robin's egg and a chicken egg came closest to what I had in mind. And how in the world does this lead to not having any big dreams for future generations? I'm thinking of maybe going back to school someday to study psychology. I don't want to be a psychologist but I would like to know as much as I can about it. It is close to 3 AM. I am wondering how many people are up in my time zone, worrying about money or diets or just lying in bed wishing they could fall asleep. Or maybe watching Critters 2 on the Scifi channel. I am currently addicted to the Horror Channel website. I signed up with the message board and read voraciously everyone's posts. I hate obsessions. They make me sick but I am prone to them. I wonder why I am so drawn to horror. It usually corners women into two stereotypes: virgins or whores. It sometimes has gratuitous violence and sex, both of which are directly linked to whether a woman has been stereotyped virgin or whore. And it usually follows a certain pattern that is discernable in the first hour (in reference to slasher films). And yet, I watch anything I can get my hands on (except some really really bad ones, usually low-budget and identified by laughable vhs/dvd covers and stupid taglines like "They're Tobacco Chewin', Gut Chompin', Cannibal Kinfolk from Hell!"). I would psychoanalyze myself but I don't even want to know why. I'm so tired. I'm just going to watch Critters 2 and then sleep. 02:31 - 04 July, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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