seethingblue's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pre-socratic: the four elements of my own psyche i must admit my own disrepair; yes. . .i'm kaputt- the best word in the whole world, i think- i procrastinated, i did it, i neglected studying. . .i'm so disorganized. . .i just watch the Olympics like a drone. . .wanting to escape from my room and play in the snow- the sad realization that it is almost 70 degrees outside and that i live in florida- bittersweet conclusions i don't know why i develop crushes on the least compatible people who only disappoint me in the end. . .am i lonely enough to overlook standards? that's too harsh. . .i just can't deal with attention one day and total neglect the other. . .be consistent or at least admit your change in mood/bad day/bad life? Don't leave me guessing, please. . .i have the love life of a five year old, i swear it. . .soon i will be chasing boys around, trying to tag them and then giggling with friends in the milk line. . .i'm just as irrational. . .i just expect more from men. . .this is sexist, i know well, one of these days i'm just gonna hack my hair off and paint my nails blood red and wear clunky flea market jewelry and be an obstruction to the natural flow of things i'll be the next good thing to come along. . .but right now i'm trying to walk uphill and keep my eyes ahead and not stare at people, silently assuming that they are picking out my faults. . .i am dividing my time between the library and addictive emails and i am being less than truthful about life. . .about my own human nature? i am inarticulate i am insecure. . .as a writer, a student, person. . . i want to unravel. . .be cleansed like clothes on gentle cycle. . .soaped and rinsed and wrung out. . .smoothed by the heat. . .smoothed by hands and folded neatly into stacks. . .blues and greens and reds and whites 9:37 p.m. - 2002-02-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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